When you’ve based your entire identity on being a loser, what happens when you win?
I am less than an hour away from what could be one of the most memorable nights of my life.
I am not an emotional wreck. I am not pacing, nor am I fighting to contain my glee. I’m just here, and that confuses the fuck out of me. Something ought to be happening.
For years I have wondered what this would be like. I simply had no idea, no basis of comparison.
Champions. Champions! For so long it has seemed such an unattainable word.
I was not yet conceived the last time a Philadelphia team won any kind of championship. Since birth I have invested far, far too much of my time and energy into rooting for all sorts of those losers. Losers of all stripes, losers of varying degree, yet losers all of them. The life lesson my Philadelphia fandom has taught me is to get your hopes up, sink everything of yourself into your passion, then watch it swiftly disappoint you in a violent way. Not such a great lesson.
So close now, I imagine what that moment will be. Will I scream? Will I cry? Will I stare blankly at the TV?
Will I be able to sleep tonight? Will I float on top of a cloud tomorrow? How long will that cloud remain? A day? A week? A year?
How will my life change? Does this open my eyes to new colors? Will I notice buildings I’ve never noticed before? Is there a new dimension, occupied by only those who have experienced a championship for their favored sports team?
When you base your entire identity on being a loser, what happens when you win? Do you disappear?
Less than an hour away, these questions baffle me. And the thought that they stand to be answered tonight, after years of watching the Phillies every night when I get home from work, after years of endlessly prowling over Phillies message boards and blogs and news articles, after years of this unreasonably abusive relationship — it just doesn’t compute. My brain — my soul? — hasn’t evolved far enough to process this.
I’m not totally ruling out spontaneous combustion here. Unlikely, yes, but so is the idea of the Phillies actually winning the World Series.
